Four Years Later

Today is the four year anniversary of my wonderful grandparents' tragic death. I remember the day like it was yesterday, though I am glad that it wasn't yesterday. I have just gotten to the point that I can control the tears when I bring them up in casual conversations. I love telling others about them because they were two of the best people I've ever known.
The day the tragedy occurred I was in school like any other day. I was staying the weekend at one of my best friend's grandparents house so that they could get me to school. My parents were in Tennessee for the weekend looking at houses. The next day was Saturday so me and my friends had planned on going to the circus that was in town. So it was supposed to be an exciting and eventful weekend. Boy was it eventful....While in biology class kidding around with my lab partners I was called to the front office. I didn't think much of it, just figured I had forgotten something at Nan's and she was bringing it to me. When I got down there it was not Nan but one of my mom's friends. I stayed calm and tried to go through logical reasons for her being her. Maybe something happened at church or my parents wanted to move sooner than expected or casey/kelsey got into trouble at their school. Mom's friend greeted me and asked how my day was. I'm thinking well it was great until you come here and confuse the hell out of me while asking me how my day is casually. She checked me out of school, further confusion. As we walk outside I'm thinking I must have fallen asleep in class and am now in some wacky dream. I ask her what has happened? She just looks at me, I suppose judging my face trying to decipher my question. I'm worried. She spits out that my parents are fine and healthy. I relax a little cause I was worried about that even though I didn't realize it until she confirmed they were okay. We look at each other again. She says Casey, Kelsey, Wes, and Brent are fine too. I relax a little more. But then notice that two siblings are missing from that runoff. We get to the car and before I can ask about Aubrey and Zachary she is on the phone. She hands the phone to me. I put it to my ear and hear my dad on the other end. A huge relief. It is one thing for her to tell me my parents are okay and a whole other thing to hear a voice. My dad says, "Ashley? I have some bad news to tell you. We are fine. Ashley, I need you to sit down....Are you sitting down?" Of course I am not sitting down but it is about damn time that someone is going to give me answers. I tell him I am sitting so he will just get it over with and tell me already."Ashley, it is your grandparents." Okay I can take it, I'm sure nothing too bad has happened...an accident on the farm, maybe a broken bone and the twins need a babysitter.(not too far off on the babysitter). That sort of thing happens on the farm, especially with my somewhat clumsy grandma :) "There was an accident and they didn't make it." Wait!? What?? I don't understand. What is he saying? Did he just say didn't make it? Didn't make it where? Me, "Which grandparents?" Dad pauses. Me, " Your parents or...mom's?" This is probably a horrible question that one should never ask. Cause you should feel equally sad over the loss of either grandparents. But I felt in that moment that if it were to be my dad's parents I could handle it. Yes, I would be upset and sad and probably cry but I felt I could take on that better than the alternative. I was closer to my mother's parents than I am my father's. Dad, "Grandma and Grandpa Mills. There was a head on collision with a school bus and they died on impact. Aubrey and Zachary survived, are injured, but both are in the hospital being taken care of and they are going to make it through. Zachary was life-flighted to a bigger hospital but Aubrey is still in Jasper. Ashley, are you okay?" "Yeah, dad I'm alright," I say. Honestly though I didn't hear much of what he said after he said Mills. My whole world had stopped. It was unreal. I was screaming on the inside. I could no longer see the world around me, it was all a blur. "Ashley, we need you to go to Jasper Memorial, where Aubrey is, check her out and watch her until we get there. One of Grandma's neighbors is going to let ya'll stay with them until family gets there. Can you do that?" Who would say no to that request? Of course I could do that. It was a good distraction/mission to think about rather than the tragedy. "Yeah, I can do that Dad," I say. "Thank You Ashley. We will be down there soon. We are stopping in Beumont to get Zachary and then we will be there with you. Family from Dallas area should be there in a few hours also. Love you!""Love you too."I hand the phone back and Donna, my mom's friend, asks if I'm alright. I tell her we need to get Aubrey. She says she knows and asks if I want to go home to pack a bag. Instead we just go to Nan's, where I was staying the weekend, to pick up that bag. When I opened the door Nan knew something was wrong, since school hadn't let out yet and I looked like a zombie. Worried she blocked me from my belongings and asked what happened. I told her exactly what happened and had a break down right there in her kitchen. She picked me up and hugged me real tight until my sobs subsided. I remember her saying over and over, "This should never happen like this. It isn't fair." She was completely right. People should die of old age or at least some disease that gives the family time to say a proper goodbye. I didn't know that the last hug I gave them was going to be my last when I gave it or I would of hung on a little longer, a little tighter. Nan helped me pack up my things, got the address of where I was going, and told me she would be close behind. At that point I didn't really know what she meant. I put my stuff in the car and Nan buckled me up. Even though I was 15 at the time it didn't seem odd for her to do so. Donna got in and off we went. Jasper was a good 2.5 hours or so away. It was the quitest car ride everm though I didn't really seem bothered by it. I had a lot on my mind, trying to prepare myself for Aubrey. I knew she would be in a worst state than me, she is like me in so many ways. I knew she would know what happened. Even at age four that girl was smart. She would know that two people she loved were gone forever but she would probably be confused as to where they  went and why she was alone. I had to be strong and ready to deal with a traumatized, injured four-year-old. On the way there Donna stopped by a Burger King, I think, and asked what I wanted. I told her I wasn't hungry but she ordered me a burger and fries anyhow. She handed it to me and told me to take a bite whether I was hungry or not. As soon as that bite went down my stomach growled. I hadn't had lunch yet, but had totally forgotten about being hungry in all the commotion. Donna smiled and promted me to finish up the meal. She said it is easy to forget about your human needs during all of this. When we got back on the road Donna recieved a phone call from my uncle saying that he already checked Aubrey out of the hospital and dropped her off on the neighbors and is now headed off to check on Zachary. When we got to Kathy's, the neighbor friend, Aubrey was cuddled up in the recliner watching television. Her hair was all tangled up, arm in a sling. She had fractured her collar bone pretty bad. When she saw me she got excited and tried to get up but couldn't and started crying instead. The poor girl was so happy to see someone she knew for the first time since being pulled from the damaged truck that she hurt herself trying to get to me. I went to her and tried to reposition her so she was comfortable again. I noticed safety glass in her and asked why they didn't get it out at the hospital. Kathy said they didn't bathe her but we could now that I was here. It was a long process, even longer for Aubrey who had to endure the pain as we washed all the glass out of her tangled hair and then gently washed her bruise covered body. We put her back into her hospital gown so we wouldn't have to pain her anymore by trying to put on regular clothes and set her back in the recliner with cartoons to distract her. Kathy's husband brought home some pizza and it took alot of encouragement from me to get Aubrey to eat it. Around this point family(aunts, uncles, and cousins) started showing up. Luckily Aubrey had fallen asleep so she wouldn't have the same reaction she had to me showing up, again. We all looked like hell. Puffy eyes, red faces, blind to the world around us. They talked to Kathy for a bit. Suddenly a new face walks in the door, Nan. She asks if she can take me out for a little bit while Aubrey is sleeping. I say yes. When we get to the car my best friend Cady is there to give me a hug. {Just for future reference when a family member of a friend you have dies, the best thing you can do is either hug them or take them out for a bit. Don't ask if they are alright because that is the stupidest question ever. Of course they are not alright. Who is alright when someone they know dies? It doesn't matter how close they were to that person it still affects them in some way. Just try to be understanding and as normal as possible. That is what they need, someone or something to bring them back to reality, even if just for an hour or so.} Nan and Cady drive around as I give them the tour of the small town I grew up in during Elementary School. We stop at the Dairy Queen and eat some ice cream while Nan carefully asks how I am doing and if she can help in any way( Such as informing the school, getting homework, bringing food, watching the house, etc.) I tell her I don't really know so she goes on to other topics, taking my mind off of the situation temporarily as I enjoy my dessert. Cady didn't say much but her presence was enough to comfort me. They dropped me back off, gave me long hugs, asked if there was anything they could do, and left me with my loving family and a little girl who was about to wake up. My family decided that it was unfair to Kathy to house us when there was a perfectly good house next door, my grandparents house. The only issue was did we really want to walk into that empty house. Would it make everything more real than it already was? We all got up the courage and went over. It was weird to be in their house without them, but it did bring a smile to Aubrey's face when she saw her things and I think she felt more comfortable there than at Kathy's. At this point that was all that mattered to me, Aubrey's happiness. My job was to keep her healthy and happy. I spent the next few days entertaining and caring for Aubrey while the family was taking care of the house, sorting through the food, cleaning, and caring for my grandparents' many animals. There were breakdowns at times but we all stuck together and comforted each other. I think Aubrey was a great help to calming people down. She was so happy at times that it radiated to the rest of us, when she was hurting we were all there to comfort her. She became the mood meter for a while. We all wanted her happy so breakdowns were not allowed in front of her. Without her we would have all been a bigger mess than we were. They tried to bring humor into the activities, such as "who can find the oldest can" and "what do you think is in this jar, dare you to smell it." My aunt Dana was the starter of such activities. Me and my cousin Joey ate a ton of brownies during that week and sort of comforted each other through it. Feeding horses, playing with the dogs, chasing the ducks, and coloring with Aubrey were the daytime activities. I think I mowed the front lawn at one point. At night we would bathe and put Aubrey to bed and then sit out on the porch talking to everyone until we were exhausted and went to bed. Mom and Dad arrived at some point but I couldn't say when. I like to think the funeral was Sunday but honestly I can't remember. Time seemed at a standstill that whole week. All I knew was that the sun came up, went down, the moon came up, went down, etc. I ate when they said it was time to do so and tried to distract myself the rest of the time. I think we went shopping before the funeral to get proper clothes but I dont remember that event very well. I do remember that mom said I could wear whatever I wanted because that's what grandma would have wanted for me. I remember that the shirt was striped black and white with a collar but I dont remember if I wore a skirt or pants.I do remember being eaten alive by fire ants and some giggling from a few around me as I smacked myself and danced around while trying to be quite. Tons of people attended the funeral just showing how loved my grandparents were.

Officially a Sophomore

   Today is the first day of my 2nd year of college. So far it is pretty swell since I don't have my first class until 6 tonight. hehehe. Move in day went well...we didn't get the attic like we hoped but I kinda like the room we ended up with better. It is in the back corner, there is no walking up and down stairs(except to get to the laundry in the basement), and so far no one has been loud enough to truly wake me up. The room isn't quite big enough for all of mine and emma's things so we now have bunk beds. It is probably better for me that way, seeing as I have the top bed now I can't just go back to sleep during the day. Once I'm out of bed I don't want to climb back up there though there is also the issue of once I'm up there I don't want to get back down. I'm hoping my need to use the bathroom will counteract that in the mornings. My housemates have been great so far. I love Trista and Stephanie. They are living in the room across from ours. They are good friends like me and em. They like to go out, work hard, and have fun. In fact there is a great first week story about them....
    Saturday night we had a few people over for some DDR and movie action. Around midnight the guys went home, me and em drove Lexie home, and trista and stephanie went to the Rainbow House party down the street. Apparently I slept through the rest of the story but Steph updated me the next morning... her and trista walked home in the pouring rain around 1:30. On their walk they witnessed several freshmen girls and Tyler streaking around the block. When they got to the house they couldn't open any of the doors because someone had chain locked them as well as key locking them. While trying to get in the house a few guys walking down the street asked them if they would like to smoke some weed with them. Trista and Steph said no thanks. Then the guys asked if they would like a trade-out. Not knowing what a trade-out is they turned that down too. Finally Steph comes up with the idea of knocking on mine and em's window. She has to lean over a fence but manages to knock and yell at us to not be afraid, that it was just her and she would like very much for us to open the front door. I didn't wake up but thankfully Emma did and opened the door for them.
    Looking forward to the many adventures that await us this year :)

An idea I had but couldn't quite execute...

At one point during this past school year I had wanted to adhere drawings onto photographs but not by glueing. I wanted the drawings to show what the world could be while the photo showed how the world is. The two pictures would make one full scene together. I just couldn't figure out how to do this without physically gluing or doing photoshop. So I had abandoned the project but took it on a different way by using windows and having the viewer physically interact and draw the  world how they saw fit. Anyways, this artist has managed to do what I couldn't and it is pretty awesome. He did use photoshop but still it is cool to see that we had the same idea, he actually could do it though :) His name is Ben Heine and he has a Flickr account.