1. Saying "I love you" immediately before, during, or following sex doesn't count.
1. Saying "I love you" immediately before, during, or following sex is pretty cool, but there are other things you can say around that time that might be even cooler.
2. Real men drive stick shift.
2. Real women let men buy stick shifts. 3. I will leave if you lie.
3. We will lie, but you will always know. 4. You are cute in raglan-sleeved T-shirts (two-toned baseball undershirts).
4. You are sexy with long hair.5. I'm convinced I'm pregnant and obsess about it for a minimum of 24 to 48 hours before my period, even when I have no rational reason to think so.
5. During your period when you obsess and cry we just want to make it stop. Our efforts to give you midol or stay out of your way are not back-handed comments telling you we think you are not a strong enough woman to be in control of her own body. We simply see something that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die. We don't understand it and we want everything to be better. 6. I love it when you hug me from behind and whisper in my ear.
6. When we hug you from behind we are thinking about your ass. 7. "Fine" is never an appropriate response when I ask you how I look.
7. Don't ask the same question if you don't want the same answer. 8. Most of the time when I fantasize, it's about you.
8. MOST men fantasize, and we put different faces on the body. This is not a slight on you, it is simply impossible for a lot of guys to control that part of the mind when 90 percent of the blood is in 3 percent of the body. 9. I'm terrified of becoming my mother, even though I admire her.
9. We are terrified of you becoming your mother, even though we admire her. 10. I get turned on simply seeing that I have an e-mail from you.
10. I get turned on simply seeing you. 11. I expect you to call me.
11. We will call you, but it will always be too late for you. 12. Only rock stars are allowed to wear leather pants.
12. The size limit for leather pants and spandex is 16-18. Above that and you lose the privilege for life. 13. I'm scared of losing my independence.
13. We are scared of you becoming too independent. 14. I'm more forgiving of you than I really should be.
14. We are forgiving on most things that you wouldn't be, but not about things you probably would be. 15. Oral sex is your get-out-of-the-doghouse-free card. Manolo Blahnik shoes also do the trick.
15. Oral sex is your get-out-of-the-doghouse-free card. For a week. 16. You did something bad. I seem cool with it. I'm not. (See directly above.)
16. You did something bad. I seem cool with it. I probably forgot. When it comes to me, get me a beer and we're square. 17. If I'm not having sex with you, I'm... a. ...having a fat day. b. ...not feeling "connected" to you. c. ...blackmailing you to get something I want.
17. If I'm not having sex with you, I'm... a. ...sore. b. ...too tired from masturbating in the shower. c. ...blackmailing you to get something I want. (This works now that men know women like sex, too) 18. Shoes determine whether you're fashionable or not.
18. We are not fashionable. Dressing us up is like putting perfume on a pig. If we know the shoes we are wearing went out of style last year, then we should be with another man, not you. 19. I own a Debbie Gibson CD, and I'm not afraid to use it.
19. I own a Lynard Skynard CD, and I'm not afraid to use it. 20. When I compare my flabby tummy to a kangaroo pouch, say nothing.
20. When I compare my flabby tummy to a washboard, say nothing.21. A man I love plans the occasional fancy-schmancy dress-up date and impromptu weekend getaways, and he buys my favorite candy in advance when we're just going to the movies.
21. A woman I love will not get mad if we take you to the Hyatt Regency instead of the Waldorf Astoria. Nor will she order the most expensive thing on the menu just for the sake of feeling rich. 22. You look hot in hooded clothing items.
22. You look hot in tight clothes. And loose clothes. 23. You should never tell me what to do.
23. You can either tell us what to do or how you want it done. Not both. 24. If I slept over, you owe me breakfast.
24. If I slept over, you owe me morning sex. 25. My breasts love much licking and sucking.
25. We love to lick and suck your breasts. 26. If you ask me out directly, I will say yes.
26. If we ask you out directly, and you say no or come up with an excuse that sounds lame to us, do not expect to be asked again. The ball is now in your court. 27. I'm very impressed when you ask for my advice.
27. We are very impressed when you ask for advice. Although if you take it and things don't turn out exactly how you want, you cannot BLAME us. 28. I'm unimpressed with a man who doesn't take the lead.
28. I'm unimpressed with a woman who won't LET a man lead. 29. When in doubt, go with the shirt that matches your eye color.
29. When in doubt, any fried food will do. 30. I want to be Madonna.
30. I want to be Arnold Schwarzenegger. 31. Women get urinary-tract infections easily, so watch (and wash) your fingers.
31. Men get gas. It doesn't mean we are disgusting, it means we have anuses and appetites. If it didn't come out there it would have to come out somewhere else. 32. I'm in heaven when you hold my hand.
32. I'm in heaven when you hold my butt. 33. You're sexy when you're shaving, fixing things, wearing a white T-shirt and jeans, driving, eating a peach, holding a baby.
33. You're sexy when you're sitting on a chair with your legs curled up under you, dancing, staring at us, or drinking a glass of wine. 34. I need to hear how you feel about me. Often. Tell me now.
34. I need to hear how you feel about me. Often. Unless you expect us to reciprocate every time. 35. Surprises, especially gifts for moi = more loving.
35. Surprises, especially gifts will make us fix things faster. 36. I want to be the best thing that ever happened to you--and for you to recognize this.
36. I want to be the best thing that ever happened to you--and for you to recognize this. 37. If I'm not feeling loved, I will start looking....
37. If I'm not feeling loved, I will start looking.... 38. Discussion of ex-gf's and ex-bf's should be avoided at all times.
38. Discussion of ex-gf's and ex-bf's should be avoided at all times. Especially in bed, in the kitchen, in the bathroom, Hell, anywhere. 39. I like it when you tell me what you're thinking, even if you don't know yourself.
39. I like it when you tell me what you're thinking, but it had better not be "I'm so conFUSED!" That pisses us off. 40. Celebrating our anniversary, even if it's only been a few months, earns major bonus points.
40. Celebrating our anniversary, can be a bugger. You get one anniversary per year. Not two, not four, and certainly not 12. One, but it will be special.41. I love it when you're sweaty.
41. I love it when you're sweaty and your clothes are clinging to you.42. It's best to consult your gal pals for gift ideas.
42. It's best to consult beer commercials for gift ideas.
43. A lady should always be greeted with kisses.
43. A man should always be greeted with food.
44. I like porn.
44. I like porn.
45. I love holding your bum in the palms of my hands.
45. I love holding your ass in the palms of my hands.
46. Even nice girls like hushed dirty talk in public.
46. Even nice guys like to talk dirty in public. Just don't laugh.
47. It's cheating as soon as you're doing something with her that you wouldn't want me to see, hear, read...
47. It's cheating as soon as you're doing something with him that you wouldn't want me to see, hear, read...
48. For the record: I'd rather you break up with me than cheat.
48. Toilet seats can be touched by anyone's hands. they are not made of mercury. If you want it down, put it down. You learn how to not fall in before turning 3. Remember it.
49. I remember everything about our relationship.
49. I forget almost everything about our relationship. But the things I remember are the most important things to me.
50. You should know all this and more with-out my telling you.
50. We are not mind readers. We aren't even readers. Submit video's.
No comments:
Post a Comment