Money Problems

I guess everyone goes through money problems. If only we had a barter system where money wasn't involved and everyone just did their part. Too bad that doesn't exist here. So the job hunt continues. If I don't get a job this summer or if I get one too late I will have to take out a 3rd loan along with my two loans from the government. I don't want my parents to have to help me out as much this next year. I feel like a burden on them and I am tired of it. I want to be independent but it is so hard to achieve this in our society today, especially when the government won't even legally see me as an independent. I have to a)have a child b)be married and/or divorced c)be an orphan d)be in a Masters program or e) be like 23 years old before the government will count me as an independent, at least for FASFA anyways. Ridiculousness. Oh so the job thing. I have applied pretty much everywhere I could think of not including fast food. I received one call back and they found a way to fix it so that they didn't need a new employee before I could even interview for the placement. I applied to a summer camp as a counselor and I really hope I get it because it seems like it would be a true experience and an exciting way to spend the summer and get paid at the same time. Dad asked around and at one of his usual dining places, a small mexican restuaraunt, the manager said that they have been looking for a couple new employees and she didn't mind that I would only be able to work for a few months. I had to drop off a resume today and she will call for an interview at another time, depending on if she likes what she sees in the resume. We will see I suppose.

So on a different note... Christie, mom's friend from church, was talking about personality colors the other night so I decided I wanted to reasearch it. Everyone is a little bit of each color but most of a dominant one or two equally dominant ones. There are only four colors. Red, Yellow, Blue, and White. After some careful research I decided my dominant color is White. I do possess a bit of yellow=creativity, blue=selflessness, and red=power play.

Whites

Whites are motivated by peace.  Whites will do almost anything to avoid confrontation. They like to flow through life without hassle or discomfort.  Feeling good is even more important to them than being good.

Whites need kindness.  While Whites respond beautifully to thoughtfulness and  amiability, they have a strong, silent stubbornness that surfaces when they are treated unkindly.  They resent being scolded.  They dislike harsh words.  They open up instantly to people who are kind, but Whites recoil form those who are hostile.. They are motivated by kindness - and cannot understand why other people are unkind.

Whites like to keep a low profile.  Whites enjoy their quiet independence.  What appears to some people as quiet desperation can show itself to be bullheadedness.  Those who misinterpret the peace-loving nature of a White as an invitation to be demanding and bossy will soon meet a wall of passive resistance.  Whites are tougher than people think.

Whites like to be asked their opinions.  They won't volunteer them.  They value the respect of others, but they rarely go out of their way to seek it.   They need to be coaxed to talk about their skill, hobbies and interests.

Whites are independent.  Unlike Reds, who want to   control others, Whites seek only to avoid being controlled. They simply refuse to be under another's thumb, especially when treated without the respect they feel they deserve.  Whites want to do things their way, in their own time.  They do not ask much of others, and resent it when others demand things from them. They often comply with unreasonable demands - just to keep peace.  They will only express their anger and frustration when they can no longer stand being bossed around.  Whites do not like to be pushed, and they can be fearsome when they finally "blow up".

Whites are motivated by other people's desires.  Whites are open to the recommendations of others on ways to resolve any and all situations.  White executives value new management ideas from employees.  White children welcome help - they are eager students.  Whites make agreeable dates.  They are interested in making sure the other person has a good time, and are willing to do whatever the other person wants.  Whites, however, want suggestions - not demands.

I believe the color white pretty much sums me up.

Summer Must Begin

   I need a job, but it gives me so much anxiety filling out applications and not hearing back right away. I know that the economy stinks right now because of all the lay offs and now because of the flood disaster that occured here in mid-tennessee. Who knows when I'll be able to get a job. I may end up not working this summer and just having to get a job while being a full-time student this next year. It is going to be hectic if that happens.
   Today I decided I need to distract myself from the job world for the moment. So I think I am going to start a routine. Before my routine can begin I need to unpack and organize the room a bit so my routine will run smoothly. I want to work in my sketchbook daily, in search of a topic for next year. I also want to try to get more scholarships so I am going to try and work on that daily too. If I can't get work I'm going to need extra scholarships or grants of some sort. I would also like to visit the library weekly in search of my new topic. Getting in shape is another factor of my summer. I plan to visit the gym often and get on a routine there. I would also love to get on a nutritional diet before the next school year begins. My room needs to be painted, and I was thinking about doing a mural related to my summer topic. I have alot in store for myself, but it is supposed to be my life changing summer after all.
   I did promise my friend, Emma, that if I didn't get any call backs for jobs in two weeks I would drive up to visit her for a week. I will try to stick to that plan.
   I have been thinking about how to go about a new topic and I believe I am going to use Yao's anatomy book that she gave me as my inspiration. I did want to be a doctor at one point in my life and the topic of the human anatomy fascinates me still to this day. I also love learning about medical mysteries and the psychology of the human. I will try to locate our family doctor dictionary to also use as inspiration and visit the library for more research.

Moving Day

So today is my last day of freedom, until next August anyways. Today my family drags me back to Pleasant View for the 3 month summer. How will I ever survive the long hot months with 6 siblings nagging me and jumping on me at all times, while I try to find a job and improve myself as an artist, who knows. It's time to get up and get the car packed. Say my goodbyes to my roommates, one of which i will be living with next year. So just a temporary goodbye for us. Emma and Mr. Chris have a long 10 hour car journey ahead of them, making my measley 4 hour trip seem easy when really it isn't. It's just one long straightish road from here to there about 200miles. I'm just not looking forward to the journey or the time at home. It doesn't really feel like home anymore. Memphis is starting to feel like my home and now I am leaving it. I'm not ready for this. I want to stay.

End of Freshman Year

So it has been a long self-sacrificing tedious tiresome, yet fun year. I accomplished 27 credit hours with all A's and B's. I consider this a job well done. I learned a ton about myself and about the art industry, itself. My Review Committee went horribly in the wrong direction. I mean I can somewhat agree with everything they are saying but that is also just how I am. I am a people pleaser so if you tell me I need to change then I feel like I really do need to change, even if I really shouldn't. The committee started off talking about my work and how I need to do more research before starting a piece "Don't reinvent the wheel" so to speak. I also need to discuss my ideas with others, people who will actually listen and give good feed back before starting my work. I have good initial ideas but I'm not allowing them to grow and mature before creating them. I need to dig deeper for meaning and make sure that the statement I am trying to make is actually coming across well to the audience. After dissing most of my work, while oddly enjoying it at the same time, they started dissing me as a person. They said throughout the year I was too reserved, quiet, and shy. According to them I need to grow up this summer. I need to get out and do things I wouldn't normally do, get out of my comfort zone. Try new things, go to a few parties and such. I need to change who I am, become outgoing, bubbly, loud, talkative, and more opinionated. These are their words. They also said I think in a child like manner and that is why I need to grow up this summer, to think more like an adult. (like that has gotten us so far in life :p) I need to spend time in the library researching a topic I enjoy because they like to see a years worth of work on one researched topic you are interested in. Not several topics covered in different classes. They said that by focusing on one topic it will unify my classes and help me progress through the year smoothly. It was just a horrific experience altogether. I have to change who I am, how I think, and how I create. I only have one summer, 3 months, to do so. No pressure or anything.

Spring

You may think I'm crazy to even think this...but spring is upon us or at least it has tricked my allergies into thinking so. Friday morning I walked to school, so I could take photos along the way. I maybe spent an hour and a half outside, but by the time I got inside it all hit me. My head was all stuffy feeling, my right eye would water, and my nose was all congested, really my whole head felt congested. It turned my photo day into a suffer but deal with it day. ugh. It would have been a perfect day if that hadn't of happened. It was beautiful for once outside and a great temperature around 55-60 degrees. We were outside taking pictures all morning, ate lunch, and then went swinging in the park. We developed some film, where i learned that my shutter on my camera is for some reason messing up. The teacher couldn't get it to do mess up then so she couldn't figure out how to fix it. I just have to record the shutterspeed and aperture I use for each photo on the next roll of film to see if there is a certain point where it messes up. I'm definitely going to have to buy lots more film for this class because of this issue. It screws up about half my photos each roll. Very aggravating. Oh so back to the day. After photo class me and em went home and chilled a bit. I tried to take a nap but just couldn't manage one. So around 8 we got ready and went to the school, they were taking us to play lazertag. Lazertag was amazingly fun and after 10 minutes in the building and running around I didn't feel any of the allergy symptoms. Maybe it was due to adrenaline? As soon as we went outside though, bam there they were. I took some nyquil that night in hopes of knocking it out but the next morning I still couldn't breathe correctly and felt stuffy again. I ate some toast and tried to sleep a bit more but on my back with my head raised. I accidently slept till 2:30 in the afternoon. oops! That was the worst thing I could have done since I have so much homework to get done this weekend. That day was pretty much lost cause not only did I wake up late but I still felt tired, groggy, stuffy, and unable to breathe the rest of the day. Today i still feel like someone shoved pollen up my nose but I am going to try to make the best of the day today, seeing as I have to write a 5page paper, study for a test that's tomorrow, drawing homework, and 3 rolls of photographs to take along with photo sketchbook to finish.

Women will never be free...a mindless rant by an insignificant that shouldn't be read unless you just have nothing better to do.

Doc's lectures are highly enjoyable to me no matter how crazy out there they lead. Today's was about women. Specifically how society views them and how society used to view them back in the days of Paul. Yes, I am talking about paul form the bible. We had to read 1 Corinthinians for writing class. Believe it or not the bible is very sexist, as are most christian views and pretty much the whole damn worlds view. I've been saying this from the beginning and I am glad someone else sees this too. The issue is that no matter how hard women try they will never truly be free. By free I don't mean that they are able to hold the same jobs and positions as men and able to do anything that men can do bullshit. We all already know this is true and that women should be able to do the same things as men. But women should be truly free. By free I am talking about women being seen as human. yeah yeah you think they already are seen this way. Women are seen as objects, property, vessels, people to be owned and fantasized about. Women are slaves and always will be. No matter race,age, or sexualality females will always be seen as such, just females. Women are mysterious objects that should be owned or quieted, even in today's society. Think about it. Why do we marry? The instant answer you will say is 'love'. bull. If the couple were truly in love a marriage wouldn't be necassary. Marriage occurs because men feel they need to own the woman , and the woman has been taught from birth that she should look forward to the moment the man gets on one knee and places a ring on her finger to symbolize to all other males that this girl is taken 'owned'. Men don't understand women because they are not the same, therefore he feels he should own one just as a hunter feels the need to hunt the most dangerous animal, the one he doesn't know how to kill yet. okay so now i just compared a man to a hunter and a woman to the prey...hmm maybe this is a good comparison.

back to religion...

We read Paul 1 Corinthians. Paul refers to women as either being virgins or harlots(prostitutes). They can only be one or the other and either way they are sinful. Everyone knows women are cursed, correct. If you don't know what I'm talking about...remember that story of adam and eve and eve 'makes' adam take the apple? well although man won't suffer from adam's transgression, woman will suffer for eve's. A woman has about a 28 day cycle, some women's differs. This cycle is the curse women have been given because of eve.No need for me to continue everyone knows what curse i am speaking of now. This is in the bible, I'm not making it up. I really don't understand why women continue to be religious after just hearing this story. Already the religious world is unfair to them. Paul continues this unfairness. Paul views women as unrighteous cows. Even their skin is sinful to touch and they should be covered at all times, especially within the holy buildings. Women should bear as many children as possible, such as a cow, because women are only seen as vessels who continue the bloodlines. The only way to end this sexism would be to either a) kill all men disabling the ability to continue patriarchy or b) start the whole world over and adam and eve must grab the apple together.

i may continue this rant later but as of now it is just depressing and i am done.

Week 3

Hmm...what happened this past week...

Classes weren't too exciting except photography class Friday. We were given an assignment to complete, which involved using our first roll of black&white film and then developing that roll of film. Just so you know, developing negatives is not a walk in the park. First one has to take a can opener, scissors, metal spool object(for rolling film), the film roll, and a metal light tight canister with lid into a completely dark room. When I say dark I mean absolute darkeness where one can't even see a hand in front of their face. While in this darkness one must use the can opener to open the film roll, take the film out without unwinding the roll accidently, cut a straight line 1inch from the tip of the film, attach the film to the metal spool, then proceed to roll the film onto the spool carefully without ripping, tearing, breaking, or touching the actual film while unrolling it from the original film roll. Once the roll gets to the end one must cut off the tape on the end of the film. After all of that the metal spool is placed in the canister and then sealed with the lid before one can turn on the lights or leave the room with the film. When all the dark room stuff is over one has to put several chemicals interchangibly in the cantainer while continously agitating(shaking) the container. This lasts for up to 45min. Drying takes 20-30 min. In the end it is all worth it though because magically pictures appear on the strip of film. This coming Friday we will be using the developed negatives to develope actual photographs on our light sensitive photopaper. I'm pretty excited about it :)

After class on Friday me and Emma packed the van and headed out to Pleasant View for the weekend to see my family. We had a great time and a nice break while we were there. Swimming on Saturday and Shopping on Sunday. We also saw the movie "Dear John" with mom. The movie was excellent. Thanks mom for the great weekend!

Monday classes were cancelled due to snow so me and em were able to take our time getting back Memphis. About halfway back the weather was ridiculous. It started to snow, rain, sleat rain, then snow, back to sleat rain, heavy snow, etc. The roads started to get icy and traffic had to slow way way down. Like we were going 40-50mph on a freeway where one usually goes 70-80mph. So as you can guess it took a little longer to get back than usual, but not too bad. It only set us back about 45min. Once we finally made it to the apartment and retrieved all of our things from the van we settled down in our pajamas in the living room, played on our laptops, made some dinner, and watched "Life Unexpected" on the television.